This is a long and drawn-out retelling of a joke which was told to me many years ago by my brother. I'm not sure where he got it from, or if he came up with it himself, but it's one of my favorites.
I recently participated in a joke contest which prompted me to write this variant of the joke. I so enjoyed writing it that I decided to share it here as well.
Abdul was a noble sultan long ago in an ancient land far away. He grew up a prince over a beautiful country filled with luscious orchards, shining minarets, and a richly cultured people. Abdul was a competent and benevolent king and his people loved him.
Abdul had everything a sultan could want except one thing. Every night after ruling his kingdom he would return to his chambers alone. Abdul had no one to call his love.
One day Abdul was perusing the markets in the bustling city outside the palace when he chanced upon a girl his age selling fruit from a cart. She was the most beautiful girl Abdul had ever seen, despite having traveled far and wide in his youth. He was instantly in love.
Over the following days Abdul invited this girl and her family to his palace and showered them with gifts and feasts and hospitality fit for a royal family. Nothing seemed to impress this girl, though, and aside from the appropriate reverence in her sultan's presence she showed no interest in Abdul.
Soon Abdul resigned to permit the girl and her family to return to their orchards (laden with lavish gifts); they were salt-of-the-earth people who could never be content laying around in a palace all day. Still he pursued the girl, visiting her homestead outside the city frequently and being treated with deferential respect equally as often.
Determined to win her heart Abdul hid himself in the market place day after day, watching her interact with those around her and learning who she was among her community. He would occasionally send children with a coin to buy a fruit (which they could keep) and ask her a question. She clearly knew what was going on, but played along with the children and gave them a little extra for their effort.
As the weeks went by Abdul noticed one thing that stood out above the rest. The girl had a laugh that was like music more beautiful than he had ever heard. She laughed often, smiling in such a way as to melt one's heart, and her customers laughed easily when the spoke with her. Nearly every interaction she had involved laughter - in fact, some people came to her cart just to joke with her without even buying anything.
Abdul reflected on the short time he had invited the girl and her family to the palace - an opulent building filled with austere guards and stolid servants, silent but for the echoes of one's own footsteps and the cool breeze flowing through the courtyards. In a moment of clarity Abdul realized how stifling this must have been for the girl.
With renewed inspiration Abdul returned to his palace and ordered all of his spies, scholars, servants and even bodyguards to go out into the kingdom and beyond to find the best and most hilarious jokes. He would learn the humor of his own subjects and surpass it with the humors of a hundred countries.
As months went by Abdul would learn new jokes every day from returning servants. He learned to appreciate and understand deadpan sarcasm, bawdy limericks, playful jibes and much more. One variety of joke stood above the rest, he realized: he consistently found that the most effective and most beloved form of humor was the pun.
Abdul became a walking library of puns. He took to making his servants laugh with every order he gave, even coming up with new puns on his own. Soon he became known as the Laughing Sultan; as ravaging of humor as of military and economic prowess. Abdul became a master of hilarity.
After a time Abdul decided to try again to win the heart of the girl, who was still selling fruit every day in a bazaar not far from the palace. Abdul spent several days with his advisers assembling the ten most hilarious puns he could muster - some exotic, some local, some even original. He committed them all to memory and strode confidently out into the city to find the girl.
Abdul knew he would succeed. He knew he would win the heart of the girl with humor, because that was the thing she seemed to love most.
He found her and greeted her. The bazaar fell silent as guards and a growing crowd of townspeople encircled them both, with only the fruit cart between them.
Awkwardly Abdul said "hello" and declared that he sought to win her over with the ancient humor of the world's greatest puns. She scowled skeptically and bowed briefly to indicate that he had her attention.
Sweating mildly and feeling antsy on his feet, Abdul delivered the first two puns. She did not laugh. It must be the delivery, he thought.
Thinking quickly, Abdul improvised a whole oration built around his next three puns to try to string them together naturally. He spoke for several minutes, but the girl didn't even smile once.
Confounded and growing exasperated, the sultan delivered four more puns. These generated some chuckles from the crowd gathered outside the ring of guards, and even a few of the guards couldn't help but to smirk at what truly were clever puns, but the girl still did not laugh. She simply continued to look at the ground directly before the sultan's feet, a respectful and attentive subject.
With a heavy sigh Abdul demanded to know why the girl's humor had suddenly deserted her, leaving him bereft of a way to connect with someone he cared for so intensely. He ordered her to look into his eyes and respond.
Dutifully she obeyed; she lifted her head and spoke with a voice as smooth and clear as glass. She told him the story of her upbringing, how she grew up in the streets an orphan fending for herself until her family, simple fruit farmers, found her in the bazaar and took her in. They taught her to farm but more importantly to live, love, and laugh. She said she could never love anyone as much as she loved these people, as she gestured to the crowd who looked on with admiration for her, and that no humor could ever match the sweaty and workaday humor of the hardworking commoners she called peers.
With a final bow she thanked the sultan for his generosity and his kindness and pronounced wholeheartedly that she would serve him in any way that he desired, but that her heart belonged to the people of the city and could not be won by any man, sultan or otherwise.
Abdul looked upon her with visible awe. A long moment passed as the shadows grew longer around them. Nobody spoke for what seemed like ages.
Finally Abdul spoke. He gestured toward the girl and loudly addressed the crowd, his voice full of force and commanding of total attention.
"I came to this bazaar to win the heart of this girl. Her beauty smote me in a way that armies and assassins could never hope to do. I have spent months learning to laugh with all of you, to speak like any of you, and to understand the wealth of humor outside of my palace walls. I have showered her with gifts and humbled myself to her in order that I might win her heart. Still this girl -- this woman -- dares to stand here and defy my efforts in order to profess her undying love for her kinfolk."
A long, tense moment passed. Was Abdul angry?
After a moment he continued, now looking straight at the girl.
"I can think of no higher stature, no greater seal of nobility, no more divine constitution than that which can stand up to its sultan to proclaim the righteous and wholesome love of such a sultan's own people. This woman is not a girl to be won, but rather a hero to win her people. From this day forward she will have my admiration, as she clearly has yours."
A cheer went up all around them, though Abdul looked clearly conflicted. He was proud of her, obviously, but also defeated in a way that only an unrequited lover can be. He looked at her, head cocked to one side, and as he turned to walk back to the palace he said only one thing more:
"I came here seeking to capture you with my jokes. I assembled the ten most hilarious puns from every land the world over, learned them and brought them to you. I was certain that at least one of them would win for me your heart. I am blessed and equally cursed that though I was sure they could make you love me, no pun in ten did."